DIVA Diaries: Investing in Me

The Diva Diaries is a new weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey.

As of today, I am coming up on my two-year “bad-assiversary” as I call it (aka the day I declared divorce), and for the past month, I’ve still felt stuck and frustrated that I was not in a relationship. In fact, I’m not even in a textationship, or a situationship, or a faux-ationship—of any kind. I have spent the past two years healing, having fun, putting myself out there, and I’ve recently acknowledged that I want an exclusive, committed relationship with a partner.

Well of course I do! I didn’t get married at 28 and stand up in front of god and 300 Catholics to vow to a man that I would love him no matter what, just to end up single at 35 with two kids! In the blink of an eye, I found myself carrying an entire life I’d built with someone else who just got to walk away and start fresh.

One day, I was scrolling through Tik Tok (which has now replaced therapy) and stumbled upon a LIVE featuring a well-dressed woman speaking about relationships, love, and dating. She captivated me. She talked about feminine energy—a concept I recently discovered (and an energy I feel I am seriously lacking).

Even though her delivery was brusk and sprinkled with humor, her message was clear: You are the prize. In two hours, I learned that men and women experience different hormonal and chemical reactions in the brain during courtship, dating, and in relationships. It was such a simple explanation, but one I hadn’t ever before heard. I was hooked. All of a sudden, it made so much sense to me. The “science” of attraction is not something we’re taught. We instead get things like “The Rules,” and “He’s Just Not That Into You,” which are subpar, antiquated, and anti-modern day feminist.

I wanted—no, I had—to know more about Shay Levister, aka “Shay Your Love Diva.” After checking out her social media, website, interviews, and any content I could get my hands on, I booked a discovery call with Shay to see if I could get any profound takeaways about my love blocks, wounds, self-image, etc.

I had waited nearly a week after booking my one-on-one for the meeting, and I felt excited and eager when she appeared on my computer screen. I battled myself, went back and forth on if I should book the call. I judged myself for paying someone to tell me why I repeatedly choose cruel men and date so poorly and worried if this was a waste of money.

I think it’s normal to be guarded in an experience like this. You’re about to share deeply personal experiences and stories with someone who doesn’t know you and ask them to evaluate you. All while being nervous that you are going to be sold something that promises to fix all of your problems—and be taken advantage of again.

I’m someone who believes in the universe, in energies, in my subconscious, and all of the ways we communicate in the world without saying a single word. Our vibe, how we present, our attitudes, and our demeanors say a whole lot more than our words alone. I access the universe through meditation, manifestation, tarot, and just by tuning in. I, along with so many women, have always had killer intuition and gut instincts, which is why it’s so ironic that I’m consulting a love coach. You might be wondering: If you are so intuitive, then why would you need anyone else?

And the answer is simple: anyone who is healing from lifelong codependency and beginning their spiritual awakening will question themselves. In essence, I feel so lost that I’m turning to something beyond me in hopes of grasping an answer and being guided on a path. Even when I’m often the person people come to for advice, I still haven’t quite learned how to stand in my power—yet.

I know from experience that unless you are fully open to this kind of connection, it will not work. So, I committed to checking all doubts at the door. If you are someone who thinks being suspicious and fearing everyone is “out to get you,” then this experience simply won’t serve you. Those who operate in fear-based thinking and primitive survival instincts are not ready. This kind of experience requires surrender, trust, and love for yourself without judgment. I feel I’m finally at the place where I’d experienced how the law of attraction works and reaped its benefits. And, despite my struggles today, I am grateful for how beautiful my life is.

Since becoming a believer, I never question the fact that something inside of me led me to Shay, and I chose to feel positive, excited, and open to the possibilities of this call.

So when Shay began the session with prayer, silence, and attempts to connect to my heart, I didn’t question it or think it was strange. When I tell you that I immediately felt energy flying through my body and out of my fingertips, I mean it. It was visceral. From there, Shay managed to see things about me that even I forgot about. The main love block she identified is that I push people away. She even saw that my marriage was a rebound relationship and that I had a soul tie that is holding me back. She gave me more healing and clarity in 45 minutes than I had in four years with a therapist.

The purpose of me sharing this experience is not to help Shay obtain more clients. She doesn’t need my help doing that. It is to give hope to those of you who may find yourself in a similar state, realizing maybe you don’t need to “figure it out” on your own. Maybe you do need help becoming aware of why you keep repeating the same cycles and attracting the same guy with a different name and the same, bad haircut with the same, bad attitude.

I saw a therapist for four years, shortly after I had my second child--through the implosion of my marriage and thereafter. Talk therapy with a psychotherapist is not something I would ever degrade. However, I knew it was no longer for me when I called my therapist last summer after I met a man who I felt powerlessly addicted to, and asked her, “Am I a love addict?” And she responded with, “I don’t know?”

I thanked her for her help but knew she and I had reached the end of the road.

That is life, isn’t it? We reach the end of the road in romantic relationships, at jobs, and with all kinds of experiences. Change is the only constant we can rely on. Life becomes beautiful when you make peace with the fact that people drift in and out of your life for various reasons. Once you acknowledge the purpose they served, you’ll start to operate from a place of gratitude.

However, my road with Shay Levister is just beginning. I cried and cried for hours after our call. I not only felt seen, I felt hopeful. I felt like even if I came out of this experience without a husband and a soul mate, I will at least come out of this experience a better me, a more peaceful me.

I signed up for DIVA University the next day. I had hemmed and hawed over it for a while. But, I sat with myself, meditated on it, and ultimately concluded that I will regret not doing this more than I will regret spending money on an experience that is not guaranteeing me a specific end result. I am excited to share my journey (and transformation) with you, on ShayYourLoveDiva.com/blog-1. Trusting yourself is key, the rest will follow.