Updated: Aug 19, 2021
Week 4 was an interesting week. I soon realized that I forgot to write a couple more forgiveness letters, one of which was the most important: the letter to myself.
Of all the letters I wrote, that one hurt the most. Since the veil has been lifted from my delusional reality, I’ve had plenty of time to think back, as the program requires, on various situations. I still beat myself up for how I treated people in the past and most importantly, for how I allowed myself to be treated. I am ashamed with myself. I know I need to forgive myself and truly move on from this.
While I was writing my letter to myself, I was on a section about this long time friend I had that ghosted me 8 months ago. No lie, he texted me that very same moment when I could have sworn I blocked him. I did not text anything back and continued to finish my letter to myself. In that moment I was shocked, but proud of myself for how I felt. I had moved on from it all and know Shay’s two-week pull away phase rule like the back of my hand. It was 8 months too long and there was nothing left to say.
I was so excited, I rushed to tell the story to my fellow D.I.V.A.s to offer encouragement: With time, it gets better.
Though I has a breakthrough, I learned that I still have some blocks. This week we are often asked to visualize our future with our perfect partner. I wrote down a lot that made me smile and cry but I feel like I was still holding back…
We were asked what fears did we feel were holding us back. Mine is that I don’t trust myself 100% to pick the right person. This ties back to feeling ashamed with myself for how I allowed myself to be treated in the past.
This is something I will be working hard to release and change, but it was heavy on my heart this week. It is truly a shitty feeling to acknowledge that you’ve been holding yourself back this whole time. This program is opening my eyes in ways I didn’t even imagine. It hurts but I know it will be worth it. Attracting my perfect partner is everything to me.
I write this blog entry to say a couple things:
Have compassion for yourself: I am working through this as I type, but it is essential during this process. Shay used the analogy of working out/exercising a few times in her lives. In order to grow and rebuild, during a workout your muscles are tearing in order to be built back up again stronger. But that’s only if you keep working out. This process hurts as it tears apart the old mentality and habits you have. It will hit a nerve, but you must press on and have compassion for yourself while you do so.
Shay is truly a blessing: I will continue to say this weekly. Coaching is life changing. So many women and myself trust Shay with our lives. That may sound melodramatic but it’s the God honest truth – the changes you will encounter are life-altering.
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