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DIVA Diaries: Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

Updated: Oct 28, 2021

Last week, I accepted a date with a nice gentleman from one of the high-profile dating apps that Shay recommends. Shay had previously told me that while I was beginning to attract higher caliber men, to proceed with caution.

The Diva Diaries is a weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey This is because she doesn’t want me to get disillusioned--just because better men are noticing me doesn’t mean I’ve achieved my goals of attracting high-value men. She said to keep going because the quality of men I could be attracting can be even beyond my wildest dreams at this point.

But, I have to start somewhere. What I liked about this man was that he was direct in asking me out on a date, planned the evening, and made the reservation. I know that Shay recommends going on a coffee date or something brief for the first date, but I also trusted my better judgment and wanted to experience allowing a man to lead. I was flattered that a man wanted to take charge, be direct in wanting to take me out and to make a dinner plan at a restaurant that is very well known and somewhat expensive. I also felt really good about going into the date because we hadn’t gotten to know each other a ton over the phone, which is a far cry from my past patterns, and I was going into the experience with no expectations other than maybe expecting a really good plate of pasta for dinner. Having no expectations and no attachment to an outcome is really easy when you’re not overtly attracted to the person you’re meeting for the first time. In the past, I needed an overwhelming amount of physical attraction before I’d even consider matching with someone, and that habit always got me into trouble because it would result in one night stands. So, because I already felt neutral about my attraction toward him, it boosted my confidence. I felt gorgeous! I forgot to also mention that his education and career were so impressive to me. In the past, I tended to date chefs or bartenders--or people who never went to college. This man was a graduate from Harvard and worked in politics. I felt really good about being open to him because on paper he was already proving himself to be high value! The dinner was around 2.5 hours and it was really pleasant. I left the date feeling like I’d gotten some solid dating practice in and was mindful of my own actions on the date. I caught myself being in my masculine a few times--but took note and course corrected. The date ended and he sent a very sweet text. A few days later he asked me out on another date for Saturday night and I accepted. He said he would like to drive to me instead of us meeting halfway this time. I thought that was very gentlemanly and again, I wanted to allow him to lead and be the man. We met up for dinner--again. Shay recommends doing an activity on the second date and I completely understand why--I felt myself asking the same questions I asked on the first date and the conversation lulled quite a bit. In fact, I also saw how easy it was to veer into tense conversation topics such as religion and politics, values and pasts. I took note. This is where things got strange: The restaurant closed at 10 p.m. The server dropped the check down on the table and there were only a few tables with people still seated in the restaurant. My date took the check and put it next to him and said, “I’m not paying this yet,” in a defiant way, knowing that the staff was trying to close down for the night. Twenty or so more minutes go by and everyone has left except the staff. I get up and say we should head out. He took a rideshare car to meet me, and I don’t necessarily live in a place where there is an Uber every five minutes. When we got outside, he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I thanked him for dinner and went on my way. I haven’t heard a peep from him since. And it’s not like that bothered me--in fact, I am not interested in a third date, so I get to avoid the awkwardness of having to tell him that. But, I can’t help but wonder what it was about me that has caused such a strong silence. And then it hit me. I strongly suspect that he was banking on the fact that I would take him home with me. He lives over an hour away from me, and he took a ride share car out to see me. I think he really thought I was going to take him home with me.


And then I started getting down on myself. I felt like this was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was finally feeling confident in myself that I was attracting better men who treated me with respect, and when I concocted that narrative in my head, my feelings came up. I allowed myself to feel like I was back at square one--that a man is not going to be interested in pursuing or chasing me the way Shay says a real man will. I hope by next week it will all be a distant memory and I will have more stories to share. I have decided to keep pushing through the program, and pushing through my feelings. I am not going to allow a stranger or whatever that stranger’s intentions were to dictate how I feel about myself. Photo Source: Gary Barnes via Pexels.com


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ashleeglover35
ashleeglover35
Oct 27, 2021

This article was very helpful. This really helps make sense on why Shay says coffee first date, activity on the second so you don't get to personal, and meet up with them for the first 5 dates or 2 months. I will defiantly remember this article when i start dating. Thank you for sharing.💓


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I love this article and the coach in me saw so many No Ma'am moments but the thing I'm proud of with you is that you refuse to quit on yourself. This is a journey. Their behaviors have nothing to do with you!


When you're apple picking you don't blame yourself for picking a rotten Apple that you didn't know was rotten until you started to bite into it. It's the same here. The goal is just that you're learning how to determine the rottenness much sooner while skipping through the orchard! There is a reason why I say coffee first, fun date second, dinner date 3rd and he doesn't get to have you meet him halfway on the 1-5 dates..…


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Lori Crawford
Lori Crawford
Oct 27, 2021

This was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your story. The repetitive dining experience is something I have had some similar experience with. I avoid speaking risky politics for a reason too. I also really loved that you spoke on recognizing old masculine patterns that you fell into a couple times & smiled, because I do this as well. Especially when I begin to feel uncomfortable or anxious, like the silence is too long or his gaze unnerves me. Little things which has my body going into defense mode. Sliding back to the passenger seat is not always easy, but with practice it is becoming a more comfortable experience. I also pay close attention to the way they trea…

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