The Diva Diaries is a weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey.
I’m wrapping up the second module of DIVA University this week, Cup of Being, and moving onto the next module, Cup of Manifesting. That means I’m getting closer to manifesting the love life I desire. And it’s freaking me out. Even though I’m moving through the course at an appropriate pace, I still feel like my healing isn’t apparent to me. Am I still wounded? How wounded was I when I started the course? What does being unhealed feel like? Am I there now? I have so many questions and my doubt is pretty amplified this week. Doubt is a funny thing. In fact, it’s your worst enemy when it comes to a journey like this. I was raised to think doubt was a good thing--a protector. Fear was even more of a guard in my household growing up. I was raised by a mother who exists exclusively in fear-based thinking, anticipating the worst possible outcomes of even the most mundane events. It’s no wonder every boss I’ve ever had has told me that they could see I didn’t believe I was good enough, and that I questioned myself or doubted myself too often. They could see in me the strong, determined, capable woman I am, but I never could. Divorcing a narcissist was my fast track to seeing once and for all how strong, determined, and capable I am. I’ve worked hard to maintain that mindset ever since, but there are moments where my brain remembers the comfort and homeostasis of doubt and fear. “Was my marriage really that terrible? Did I embellish how bad it was? Did I make a mistake?” “Am I really putting as much work into my self-development as I think I am? Is this all for nothing?” “Am I doing DIVA University correctly? Am I trying to earn love by paying a love coach?” “What if I end up sad and alone forever despite doing all of this?” The fears and doubts like to appear now and again, and they’re super annoying. When that happens, I have to always remember that I have a choice on how to proceed: I could wallow in the idea that I’m somehow failing, or I could embrace the idea that I’m changing my life in the most significant way possible. I go back to my “WHY” of DIVA University. Why am I here? Because I know attracting my perfect partner when I am the best version of myself will serve my highest good, and the highest good of my children. Because I know I want to get married again, and if I do not do this work, the odds of attracting the same version of husband #1 are extremely high, and I will be damned if I’m in that place again. So here’s what I do--and I’m not sure if I learned this somewhere, but it is what makes the most sense to me: I thank my fear. “Fear, doubt, anxiety, I thank you so much for being here because you think you are preventing me from future hurt and failure. You exist because you feel you are protecting me in the best way possible. But you aren’t, you are holding me back. I release you now--for good--because I do not need you anymore.” I thanked my fear! I thanked my anxiety--the b**** that has run my life and ruined my relationships and made me push people away because I thought in doing so that if I pushed and pushed and showed how ugly I could be, that if they were still there, they would never leave after seeing how dark things could be. Where did that get me? Here. Single. Alone. I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know. But as Shay always reminds us--through Maya Angelou, “When you know better, you do better.”
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