The Diva Diaries is a weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey.
It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me, and that’s because I went through another (and hopefully last) dark night of the soul. This one was big and packed a helluva punch. I started off the new year with COVID (like many people did).
A couple of weeks later, I got stood up for yet another coffee date. And a few days after that, I met a very nice gentleman for a coffee date. I was not physically attracted to him, but he was nice, educated, and interesting, and part of the dating game is to be “open.” Let me cut to the chase: he was not my guy. But, what did I do? I got up on a Saturday morning, got dolled up, and met the guy for coffee. I knew it was probably not a good sign that when we were standing in line at the counter to order coffee, I completely zoned out and went to never-never land and forgot I was on a date. Even though I knew I was not interested in him, I absolutely stayed on the date to a.) get practice and b.) get to know someone new. One hour later, I was happy I had coffee with him but knew I’d most likely never see him again. And I didn’t. I drove away from that date with mixed emotions, and I realized that I feel equipped to no longer accept dates with men who I am sure are not a match with me. I want to level up, and practice being on dates with men who are actual qualifiers for the role of being my partner. With that said, I haven’t had a date since then! But what I did have was a breakthrough about my oldest, most obvious, and challenging love block: my body. I have always been an overweight person, but I never thought that I’d let that stop me in life. For months, I’ve been planning on getting my professional photos done for dating profiles, and I have avoided it like the plague. I was so hung up on my body shame, that I sooner GOT THE ACTUAL PLAGUE than I did get those photos done. Let the dysfunctionality of that sink in. I had to wake up--and not just in a "love yourself" kind of way. After a lifetime of diet culture, disordered eating, and making my plus-sized body my identity, I have finally resolved to target the one area of my body that I have never tapped into when it comes to weight loss and feeling physically good: my brain. It's not that I want to necessarily change my body, (because I have changed my body by losing substantial amounts of weight many times and still felt awful about myself). It's that I want to be able to love my body today, tomorrow, and forever no matter what size I am. And that starts and ends in my brain.
COVID did that for me. I spent a week taking care of my sick children, and then I came down with symptoms. I felt defeated. But what I was able to do--thanks to the work I’ve done in DIVA University--was this: I thanked my body. I realized while my body was aching---while I couldn’t get out of bed--how amazing it actually is. She really showed up for me during COVID. I thanked her out loud for being a wonderful powerhouse that was not only able to allow me to care for my children each day, but to live my beautiful life, and then my body was able to help me combat that awful virus. I thought to myself, “Wow. I am not very nice to my body, I think horribly about her. I zone in on her imperfections. I criticize her. I don’t treat her very well. But despite that, she showed up for me and did her job, just like she does every day.” It was a huge moment for me. For the past month, I’ve been working on my mindset shift about my body. I’ve chosen to focus my efforts on clearing this love block once and for all so that I can be free to live the life I want to live in my body. I talked to a professional and unpacked where these feelings originated and the thoughts that still run through my mind when it comes to my body. I'm challenging myself to try new things. I'm absorbing new information. I am moving my body and working on my discipline. Because no matter what I weigh, what size pants I’m wearing, this was how I was divinely created, and I am determined to nurture and love my body unconditionally. Photo source: Tim Mossholder via Pexels.com