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DIVA Diaries: The War Inside My Mind

The Diva Diaries is a weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey

Over the past two weeks, I have had mini bursts of my past states of being trying to drag me back in time. Shay calls this “The Dark Night of the Soul.” For something that sounds so ominous, it’s actually something extremely beautiful, because it means a breakthrough is on the other side.

Even though I have been feeling the Dark Night of the Soul upon me, I haven’t had the heart to write about it here because I had no idea what the other side would look like. I know what I hoped it would look like, but it is something entirely different than I could have even imagined.

I know I’m being vague, so let me just give you some examples. For one, I have one last module to go on Diva University, so I’m almost to completion of the program I started five months ago. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long and also hard to believe I’ve changed this much in five months. When I started this program, I described myself and identified as a woman who was divorced from a narcissist, who was healed from narcissistic abuse. I identified as my occupation, I identified as my role of being a mom, and that was it.

Now, if you were to ask me who I am, I would tell you: I am a divine, intelligent, vivacious, alluring woman whose soul’s purpose is to spread the light inside of me as wide as I possibly can.

When I began DIVA University, I was very much obsessed with a Build-A-Bear Scrub with whom I had a soul tie connection, and could not shake him off. I sent him on his way three months ago. Over the last two weeks, I began thinking of him more and more, hoping and wishing he would reach out to me. As the thoughts grew more invasive and more frequent, I realized that my subconscious was working hard to bring me back to a version of myself that no longer exists. In fact, it worked so hard that I dug up his phone number after searching through my phone and sent an innocent text his way. He had deleted my number because I told him to. And though he responded, he had no idea who I was. When I realized that, I actually said to myself, “I am not even interested in this. This DOES NOT MATTER. This person is not even worthy of a drunk text!” I never told him who I was. I am SO HAPPY I DIDN’T REVEAL MYSELF. I am so happy it was a blip and a slip. By doing that, I finally feel NOTHING about that person.

The hits kept coming, unfortunately. I had to face conflict from my past from two people in my life who, despite my best efforts, I still have to maintain contact with for the rest of my life: my ex-husband and my close family member. My ex-husband and I have an argumentative dynamic. After a run-in on the phone today, I actually was able to stand back and take accountability for my role in our conflict. I thought long and hard about communicating to him via text, and I ultimately sent him a feminine, concise text that told him I take accountability for my role in our combative relationship. I also said that I will work to give him the benefit of the doubt going forward and that this was a peace offering.

What he does with that information and what actions he chooses to take going forward are his decision, but I know that I have chosen the light rather than the darkness, and my words to him surprised me! I was really proud of myself.

I had to have a difficult conversation with a family member about their substance abuse. I have sat idly by for many years being triggered by their actions and behaviors while under the influence. I have avoided it, denied it, normalized it, and I just can’t do it anymore. I sent a very thoughtful email communicating my concerns, from a non-judgmental place, offering support and love. I knew they would not respond to my email, but it was in my best interest to speak up and explain why I could not be around them if they continued to choose this path.

These breakthroughs might not seem like much, but they were huge for me. I feel my mind trying to pull me back into the past—back to a previous state of being in which I felt sorry for myself. Or felt like a victim. I have even been overeating beyond my control lately and realized that was ALSO part of my Dark Night of the Soul—because it’s a past behavior I would use to self-sabotage.

All of this self-realization can be overwhelming, but I choose to push on through to the other side. Photo Source: Pixabay via

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