The Diva Diaries is a weekly blog series chronicling the experience of a DIVA University student and client. For privacy purposes, the author chooses to remain anonymous, but in doing so, is able to candidly and unabashedly pour her heart out to readers while documenting her journey.
Something has shifted within me. I feel it, I see it, and everyone around me senses it as well. The feminine energy I’ve worked so hard at adapting feels effortless to me. My higher consciousness keeps me in better control of my decisions. When I feel or sense negative self talk creeping in, I automatically stop the thoughts. I’ve transformed. Back last June when I took the plunge and joined DIVA University, I did not know how it was going to work for me, if at all. I did not know what the final destination would look like. All I knew at the time was that I wanted to experience a substantial change in my life that would change the trajectory of it for the better. But this? This is more than I could have ever imagined. The good news is, I know it’s only going to keep getting better, too. My heart is bursting with gratitude every single day. A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the final love block I knew I needed to clear, which is my body image. During that time, I uncovered a deep wound dating back to my childhood. I have a family member who is the person responsible for keeping me small so they could feel mighty. That same family member also psychologically programmed me to think that the world saw me as fat, ugly, and dirty. That same person has also been a huge negative energy in my love life my entire life–insisting that no man I was in a relationship with was good enough for me. But their disapproval was not supposed to be complimentary in the sense that they saw me was high value. Their disapproval was a repetitive insult that implied I had bad taste and poor judgment. This family member’s own substance abuse has come to a head in the last few weeks. Prior to that, I distanced myself from them. But when my family was in crisis, I had to step in–which was extremely overwhelming. Thanks to the tools I have from being a DIVA University graduate, I was able to step back in a healthy way after helping alleviate stress during the initial crisis. I am able to offer love and support from a healthy distance now. But part of their own recovery was inviting me to write a letter to them to read in their treatment group. I took the opportunity to tell them my story as seen through my eyes. I told them that during my self healing journey last year, they were the #1 person I had to forgive. I added specifics, and the entire experience felt like a huge weight had been taken off of me. The timing of all of this is not lost on me. Today, the letters were presented. I opted not to read mine in person. But knowing that someone else read it out loud made me feel relieved. I've surrendered those wounds and I don't want to look back. And what do you know? I had one of those great days where people were telling me repeatedly how beautiful I looked. I feel like something has shifted. Because coincidentally (or not so coincidentally), I have been getting many messages on dating apps. I had a date last weekend–it was supposed to be two but one of the men flaked out. The date was just OK. I had no expectations, and left the date feeling pretty neutral about the experience. I wasn’t attracted to the person, but I’m still glad I went. For someone like me, who has deeply rooted body image issues that I have to push through, going on dates with men I’m not overly attracted to has been helpful in building up my confidence and being myself. I feel that I’m operating more in my feminine energy than ever! I feel powerful. I am noticing the response in men as well. Last night, I was chatting with a man who lives in the city (I’m in the suburbs), and he was very pragmatic in his questions about what I’m looking for in a relationship, asking what my deal breakers are, etc. He, like many city dwellers, asked if I thought the distance between us would make dating difficult. I simply said, “If you can find a woman of my caliber in a more geographically desirable proximity, then by all means, choose convenience.” And guess what? He asked to call me! He told me that he thought that was really confident and attractive. I feel like I’ve turned a corner, and I’m so excited for what’s to come. I can feel his energy moving closer to me. And–before he even arrives–I can honestly say that this has all been so worth it.
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